top of page

When and where?

February 20, 2000, Eau Claire

Favorite movie?

Tangled

Favorite season?

Summer

Favorite kind of bean?

Jelly

Favorite high school memory?

Well, I don't remember freshman

year, I don't remember

sophomore year, and junior year's

a blur. Probably when we hit

the deer.

Nicknames? 

Pterodactyl, Kendragon

WHERE DO YOU SEE KENDRA IN 10 YEARS?

Levi Schaller: Running the first CLC-operated day care that takes care of all children in the
CLC, not for profit, probably with a baking degree and still not understanding what bake time means.

Malaena Buck: With about ten kids and baking every day.

By Dannie Gamble

SENIOR SPOTLIGHT: KENDRA NAUMANN

      For those of you who haven’t heard, the first Flash-sponsored blind date of the year recently took place. The two lovebirds, Linsey Sydow and Paul Schierenbeck, had a date full of food, pumpkins, and a lot of awkward silence. The date began with the two ordering shakes and sliders from Arby’s during Happy Hour. Both chose chocolate shakes (similar taste much?) and proceeded to sit at a table and eat while the chaperones, Prof Lau and I, enjoyed shakes from afar. Between the snapchatting and lack of conversation, I think there was a real spark between them. After Arby’s, Linsey and Paul picked out a pumpkin from Festival Foods that they would later carve and both chose on sale chocolate chip muffins (once again, same taste). I think the ride back to ILC was really when the two started to open up to each other. Paul refused to hold Linsey’s hand, but it was only the first date after all. The car ride consisted of random conversation and Paul telling us how much he loved Kwik Trip meat. Also, Linsey revealed to Paul one of her darkest secrets; she doesn’t know the full Alma Mater. If you’re still reading this thinking it’s a joke, explain to me why “Somebody to Love” came on during the date? This day was fate.

      Once back at ILC, the newest couple on campus carved a pumpkin outside the Commons together. For those of you who didn’t witness this, there was lots of laughing and obvious flirting between the two. They made an adorable “heart-eye emoji” pumpkin, and it even won the pumpkin carving contest at the fall party. After this, they said their goodbyes and the date came to an end. Will there be a second date for this well-paired couple? Only time will tell.

BLIND DATE 1

By Jillian Gamble
Senior Spotlight: Levi Schaller
Senior Spotlight: Kendra Naumann

SENIOR SPOTLIGHT: KATIE LILLO

When and where?

Katie: Eau Claire, April 17, 2000, at 10:01PM

Favorite Memory from Immanuel?

Katie: Umm… I don’t know.

Sean: Calculus! Both times!

Katie: Yeah, but probably when Katie Schmidt spilled shampoo all over her banquet dress.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

Katie: Architectural or Civil Engineering in either Colorado or Milwaukee.

Place to go someday?

Katie: Australia, or swimming in the Great Barrier Reef. Also Norway, the fjords.

If you were trapped on a desert island and could only bring 3 things, what would they be?

Katie: Can I just say a boat, a knife, and some food or a water filter?

I’m kind of scared to ask

this, but who is your favorite

relative at Immanuel?

Lexi: (stares her down from

across the room)

Sean: Just say it; I know it’s

Lexi.

Katie: Not James.

Sean: Thank you.

Troyal: THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Any Advice for the freshman?

Katie: Ummm… Okay, learn how to study, because it just gets harder, and you will fail if you don’t study.

Can I give some advice for the juniors too?

Sure, I guess. Advice for juniors?

Katie: Do your ACT on time, and apply to college when it first opens in July. I did that and already got accepted to two colleges.

KATIE'S FAVORITES:

Prof: Schierenbeck or PG

Color: Purple

Food: Tacos, soft shell

Movie/TV show:  (consults Lexi on other side of the room) Lost

Class: Calculus, the second time

WHERE DO YOU SEE KATIE IN 5 YEARS?

Sean: The top of the world. Probably building a skyscraper in New York City.

Troyal: Finishing Calc for the 7th time.

Lexi: Sitting on top of her skyscraper like King Kong, knowing she owns the world.

By Krystal Sydow
Senior Spotlight: Katie Lillo
Limaricks

This feels a little anticlimactic:

 

The club is meeting today.

Practice tonight, did you say?

Well, I'll do my best,

But I've got a test...

Oh, Christmas can't be far away!

By Aric Reim
Blind Date
Senior Spotlight: Austin Karow
Limaricks

DL: When and where were you born?

LS: March 28, 2000. Sacred Heart Hospital in Eau Claire

DL: What’s your greatest high school sports memory?

LS: Beating McDonell in the sectional semifinal last year

DL: What are your potential plans after high school?

LS: Well, hopefully go to a Division 2 school to get a degree to be a forest ranger and play baseball

DL: Do you plan to throw a knuckleball this season?

LS: *chuckles* Yes. Attempt.

DL: Would you rather have Justin Verlander’s curveball or Bartolo Colon’s fastball?

LS: Yeah...I’d have to go with Verlander’s curveball.

DL: Would you rather be with Wilke nonstop for an entire summer or hang out with Jordan for an hour?

LS: I’ll go with Wilke.

DL: Which Impractical Joker are you most like?

LS: *takes quiz online to find out* Murr. *face of disappointment*

DL: What’s your ideal order at BK?

LS: Oh, I’ll keep this reasonable. Buy one get one Whopper, small order of fries, and 6 BK cones. And a water.

DL: What is the greatest number of Frosties you’ve eaten by yourself at Wendy’s, and how did it feel?

LS: I didn’t even finish all 9! I went ham. I felt lonely and scared.

DL: Is there any chance I can include your poem “Asphalt” in this article?

LS: Absolutely not. We don’t want to kill the readers.

**Side note- Levi’s greatest literary work is his great poem “Asphalt”

 

LEVI'S FAVORITES:

Pitcher: Greg Maddux, Anibal Sanchez,

Chris Sale, Nolan Ryan, and Sonny Gray

Car: Bronco

Animal: Markhor

Prof: Sullivan

Class: English 11

Classmate: Steph Kazemba

ILC Meal: Chix Brox Rice Cass

(Chicken broccoli rice casserole)

Spanish song: Tus Besos by

Juan Luis Guerra

 

WHERE DO YOU SEE LEVI IN 10 YEARS?

Sam Oster: Levi will own BK and still hate basketball.

Prof Rodebaugh: Levi will be pitching in some semi-pro league in West Texas Town.

Hannah Fox: Levi will be out in the mountains, fishing in the streams all day, every day.

By Dan Lau

SENIOR SPOTLIGHT: LEVI SCHALLER

When and where were you born?

I was born in Burnsville, Minnesota, March 9, 2000

Do you remember why everyone started calling you Karl?

Prof Reim accidentally called me Karl during choir sophomore year

What is the most enjoyable aspect of cross country?

Running at state

Remember that time we roomed together at ILC camp, and you hated me?

I didn’t hate you, but I do remember, and it was strange at times

Tell me about your fishing career.

Well, my dad got a boat when I was in 5th grade and we tore it apart and

remodelled it because a lot of it had rusted away. I started to get into

fishing after that. Sophomore year I bought my own boat, and junior year

I joined a fishing club and participated in tournaments over the summer.

What is your opinion of Aaron Rodgers’ injury?

Believe it or not, I wasn’t happy about it, but, I mean, I wasn’t mad

about it either.

AUSTIN'S FAVORITES:
Prof - Schierenbeck

Class - Art

NFL team -  Vikings

Sleeping position - Either side

Sibling - I’m an only child

Fish - Walleye

By Justin Winters

SENIOR SPOTLIGHT: AUSTIN KAROW

WHERE DO YOU SEE KARL IN 10 YEARS?

Wilke - In a tree

Josh - Completely alone, no friends, no women, a cabin

in Montana, getting rich from fishing muskie. Every October

he pretends to be a baseball fan.

Brynn -  Living alone in the woods fishing all the time.

Whenever he sees someone he shoots them.

Henry - Under my bed

TRENDS OR TRAGEDIES

By Jillian Gamble

"ONE TIME I DREAMT..."

Krystal Sydow- “One time I dreamt that I would never be able to go in my room again. I had to pack everything in this small little purse. When I woke up, all of my nail polish and my earbuds were in my purse.”

 

Sebastian Krust- “Ok, so my sister was riding her motorcycle, then this gigantic porcupine knocked her off and swallowed her whole. After, I woke up.”

 

Cassidy Noeldner- “This was when my brother was in the military. I had a dream that I was shooting a machine gun from the roof and we were losing. I was on a skyscraper and it was super scary. I fell off the roof, but somehow I survived. I took a bus back to base camp and had to leave the army. Then we lost.”

By Brynn Schierenbeck
Trends or Tragedies
"One Time I Dreamt..."

You could almost say it’s… chill.

The First Frost

Newbs:

Torn (James TW)

Everyday - Edit (Connor Youngblood, NYLO)

I’m So Pale (Blonde Over Blue)

I Will Find You (nomad, Dave Dobbyn)

Your Favorite Song (Eighty Ninety)

Bone & Marrow (Benjamin James)

 

Old-ish:

State of Grace (Taylor Swift)

Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol)

Gravity (John Mayer)

Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)

Playlist now available on my Spotify.

By Cassidy Noeldner
The First Frost

Fashion trends seem to be constantly changing. First, something’s all the rage and by the time you get in on it’s already out of style. So for those of you who want the “in” on what’s trending, here it is. If you were a teenager back when scrunchies and perms were the height of hair fashion, then you’re in luck. For some reason scrunchies are once again a thing. Just embrace it. Another fad that has recently become famous is nose hair extensions, and it’s exactly what is sounds like. I mean, eyelash extensions are one thing, but nose hair? Why? All those moms out there will love this last trend - “mom jeans.” High waisted, loose, and stretchy jeans are once again a favorite. Except this time they look a little more beat up. Almost every single pair is torn up to the point where your mother would make you throw them out. But it’s fashion, right?

The Professor Report: Prof Naumann
A Freshman View of the Professors 

Prof. Naumann is still a

relatively new professor,

as he came to ILC just

last year. How’s he doing

with his second class of

freshman? Here are some

results. “He is a good

teacher, but the class

gets a little boring some-

times,” one freshman

confessed. Tyler Radichel,

however, contradicts, “Prof. Naumann is great. He always explains stuff that we may not understand, and he throws in little stories at times to entertain us.” Another freshman replies, “He is a really cool Prof. I really like that he is my Religion 9 teacher because he does an amazing job at teaching and explaining the Bible.” “Prof. Naumann is a laid back teacher, and his class is one of my favorites,” states another. It seems Prof. is doing a great job so far. Keep it up!

By Rebecca Durst

REFORMATION DAY

      Please do NOT SKIM THROUGH THIS ARTICLE!!! Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You think that this is going to be a typical Reformation Day article, with the same facts about how Martin Luther was a hero and blah blah blah. So-considering the average human has less attention span than a goldfish (8 seconds)-I’m going to narrow my topic down a little bit. I want us to consider how amazingly God planned the Reformation at the perfect time in the perfect place. These are the three factors that explicitly show this.

     First, the changing of empires. With the Ottoman Turks invading Germany, the Roman Catholic Church was pushed into a corner. Not only were they the leaders of the Christian Church, but they were also fighting for political power as well. With the Turks invading, Europe and Germany were growing weaker, and were beginning to lose their borders and source of political power. With Martin Luther leading an uprising, they had trouble keeping him quiet when Germany was dealing with problems of its own. It’s important to note that there were hundreds of believers that attempted to stand up for their faith, but were martyred, because the Catholic Church was able to excommunicate or kill them effectively.  

      A second factor was the inventing of the printing press. Imagine HAND WRITING every single page of the Bible, and AFTER that copying every single page, or however many Bibles you needed. Yeah, not fun. So when the printing press advanced in the early 1500’s (invented in 1450), it made Luther’s life a whole lot easier when translating the Bible into German from Latin. Simply put, the printing press was extremely essential for the spread of the Gospel during the Reformation.

      Lastly, the third and final contribution is the spread of indulgences. An indulgence was an instrument (think money, prayer, good deeds) that the Catholic Church provided to reduce ones time spent in purgatory. Indulgences became popular in the church by 1517. The same year, Luther refuted these claims by nailing the 95 Theses to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenburg. This is the what sparked the Reformation, which is why we call October 31 Reformation Day.

      These three factors were important, played into the events of the Reformation, and were all part of God’s perfect timing.

By Miriam Whitenight
By Liberty Masker

WHAT ABOUT WORK STUDY?

    In my personal opinion a lot of students don’t apply for work study because it’s well, work. But is it really that bad? And if it is, in what way is it bad? I will be answering your questions by talking about the pros and cons of work study.

    Kitchen work is very easy. All you have to do is follow the instructions given on the board in the kitchen. An example is “Cleanup.” You have to sweep, wipe the tables, vacuum, take out the trash, and mop, depending on the day. That may seem like a lot, but it really isn’t. It only takes about thirty minutes.

    Janitorial work is quite easy also. It’s just sweeping, vacuuming, taking out the trash, and wiping things down every morning. These things don’t take that long.

    First of all, what are the pros of kitchen work? Well, an obvious one is that you’re being paid $7.50 an hour. That’s a benefit. It also helps let you get to know people working in the kitchen better. You get to skip in line. Work Study jobs can also teach you better responsibility for when you get a better job in the future. And, hey, who says it never gets fun in the kitchen? If you do janitorial work you usually end up in the front of the lunch line. Your hours are also really consistent.

    Of course there are some cons as well. The most common complaint I’ve heard is that because of janitorial work you don’t get enough sleep. The hard part of kitchen work is knowing when you work. Besides that, kitchen workers don’t have the extra time to do other things when they are working.

Leeches have 32 brains.

 

Hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, which can make someone trust you more.

 

The average person laughs 12 times a day.

 

The weird bright dots you sometimes see when you look at the sky are your white blood cells.

 

Cows from different regions have different “moo” accents.

 

It is said to be that any memory you think you have before 4 years old is not real.

 

The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is 35 miles long.

 

You could remove the stomach, the spleen, one kidney, 80% of the intestines, and 75% of the liver and still be able to survive.

 

While children of identical twins are legally first cousins, genetically, they are half-siblings.

RandoM Facts

By Julianna Hein

TOP 10: SCHOOL LUNCH MEALS

10. Taco Salad

It seems like a lot of people (or at least people that I talk to frequently) do not like taco salad. To each their own I guess. The key to taco salad is what you put on it. First of all, refried beans gotta be on there. Cheese and lettuce too, of course. Then I load it up with salsa, sour cream, black olives, onions, tomato, and whatever that red sauce is. Now this is when you hope Justin has his jar of jalapeños. The more the better.

 

9. French Dips

I remember when they first started serving this meal in the middle of the year and it was the thing. It has slowly dropped back to earth in my opinion, but I still do really like it. A key to the french dip is to get some of those onions on there. Also, the mashed potatoes served with it is major. The meal just wouldn’t be the same without them. And I advise that you do use the au jus. Don’t eat it dry.

 

8. Chicken Cordon Bleu Casserole

I’ve always liked this meal throughout high school. The crunch of the croutons in there is a nice surprise and it has good overall flavor. Adding salt and pepper is a must to top it all off. I personally do not add cheese to this. I feel that it is unnecessary. For the baked potato served with it, I add heaping mounds of sour cream and butter with some salt and pepper and mash it all together. No cheese necessary once again.
 

7. Chili, Soup, and Sandwich

First of all, I go with the chili pretty much every time. I can understand if you aren’t into that and want the soup. But if you do go for the chili, I advise adding a little cheese and sour cream to it. They used to have some chili powder available to spice it up, but sadly do not anymore. For the sandwich, I have with roast beef and add tomato, lettuce, mustard, and mayo. If jalapeños are present, I like to add them to the sandwich and the chili.

 

6. Cajun Pasta

Cajun pasta is also a somewhat new addition (I think they started making it part-way through last year). I get the chicken all the time, but I think I might mix it up with the shrimp one of these days. Who knows? Adding the extra sauce that’s in the bowl to the left of the servers is essential. I also like to add some pepper to it. There is a slight spiciness present and I appreciate that.

 

5. Beef Stroganoff

This meal is a bit underappreciated, I think. It tastes great with some salt and pepper added. It used to be even better when you could get some cheese sauce ladled on top, but that has been gone for a while now. There was even a time once when it was used with spaghetti noodles. That was kind of weird, but it still worked. You can’t really do much to ruin this meal and that’s what I like about it.

 

4. Spaghetti Pizza

I’m a big fan of spaghetti pizza. Add the extra sauce and a lot of red pepper flakes and you're set. Maybe add some parmesan too if I’m feeling it.  Then use the garlic bread to clean up the rest of the sauce on the plate. Plus, it’s served with a salad. I like to add the hard boiled eggs, ham, and cherry tomatoes on top.

 

3. Chicken Broccoli Rice Casserole

I think this meal is probably the most underrated one served. First off, they always give you a hearty portion so that is a plus. It also just tastes really good. Once again, I add salt and pepper to round it all off. I’m not sure why people don’t like this meal. That doesn’t make much sense to me. You can’t go wrong with this meal, unless you do something weird like add cottage cheese to it like some people I know.

 

2. Popcorn Chicken and Mashed Potatoes

Now I’m pretty sure that everyone likes this meal. I usually get barbeque, mustard, and honey mustard on the side for dipping purposes. It can also be enjoyable to mix in the popcorn chicken with the mashed potatoes and some salt and pepper. I’m also a fan of that rando bun they serve with this meal.

 

1. Baked Ziti with Meatballs

One main reason I love this meal is because I can add red pepper flakes to spice it up and it tastes great. And I believe that the meatballs in baked ziti are much better than any of the other meatballs served in other meals (BBQ meatballs, meatball subs, and Swedish meatballs). Those others just pale in comparison. The whole flavor of the noodles really goes well with the meatballs and the spice of the red pepper. Plus, you can usually get a side of garlic bread and a salad as well.

By Dan Lau
The California Tragedy
What About Work Study?
Cross Country
Reformation Day
Canadian Corner
Top 10: School Lunch Meals

                                                         The Thanksgiving Controversy

Everyone, the countdown is on! Only 21 days until “Thanksgiving” break! “Now, why did she enclose Thanksgiving with apostrophes, you might ask?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for the break as much as anyone else, but I would just like to argue the legitimacy of the holiday for a minute. What do you think of when you hear the word November? Some might say vibrant colours and leaves, bitter cold and snow, and oddly enough, Thanksgiving. Now, for me, celebrating Thanksgiving in November is catastrophically wrong. When it snows in November, and it will snow in November, it’s hardly fall anymore. Okay, then what is fall? Fall is prime time season for pumpkin pie and spiced lattes, hunting, beautiful scenery and the great outdoors, cool evening walks, turkeys, cranberry sauce, and I’ll even give you football. Sounds a bit like October, doesn’t it? Then what’s the big idea having Thanksgiving in November?! Thanksgiving is the ultimate Fall sandwich wrapped into one delicious, no scales allowed, “I know I’ve already had five servings, what are you going to do about it?” type of weekend. You are all celebrating a holiday in the wrong season. It’s like celebrating Christmas in March, absolutely criminal. I don’t understand it. Once again,  I’m completely neutral since I am gloriously grateful for the extended weekend and good company and food I know I will have (Shout out to the Gambles!). But come on, Canada is ahead of the game on the U.S. in so much already. How about just out of spite you do everyone a favour and move your holiday to where it’s supposed to be! Thanks. Much love. Signing out from Maple Leaf Rd. Moose Town B.C. And since you haven’t made the change yet. . . Happy American Thanksgiving.

By Megan Johnston

Canadian Corner

The Professor Report

VOLLEYBALL

The Lady Lancers had another exceptional season this year. They fought hard all year to earn a 4th seed in the playoffs meriting them two home playoff games which were both hard fought wins. One of these was the closest three set match anyone has witnessed. Following these epic battles, the Lancers season ended at the hand of the number one team in state, the Clayton Bears. Clayton went on to win both of their sectional contests and are heading to State. Congrats to the volleyball team on earning regional runner-up.

By Josh Gerbitz
Volleyball

THANKSGIVING...

Jesse Peterson: November

James Sullivan: Apple Cider

Morgan Bobek: Fall

Josh Gerbitz: Skydiving

Nathan Lang: Death

Sam Oster: Mankato

Tara Gerbitz: Gross

Brynn: Burgers

Toby: Good Eats

Stephen: Pizza

Courtney:

WORD ASSOCIATION

...Overdone

By Julianna Hein
Word Association
Basketball
Weird Things Heard Around Campus

BASKETBALL

Basketball is back in the air on campus and everyone is starting to get more and more excited every day. Last year’s boys team was able to win one playoff game and this year’s team looks primed for another exciting season. Last year’s leading scorer, Jordan Rutz, will be returning along with other starters Levi Schaller and Seth Miller. The Lancers are going to look to push the ball up the court this year with five guards with varsity experience. The team is going to need players without much experience to step up and take on a bigger role in the paint this year.

By Josh Gerbitz

CROSS COUNTRY

The cross country season ended on Saturday, October 28, with Dan Lau and Austin Karow running at state. Both runners were able to finish in the top 25 percent of the event for Division 3 as Austin placed 32nd and Dan placed 15th. Both runners will be missed next year. Both of these seniors have advanced to state every year of high school. Congratulations on your great high school careers.

By Josh Gerbitz

THE CALIFORNIA TRAGEDY

         There are many current events happening in the United States outside of Wisconsin. Some of those events are exciting and positive, but there are also negative and dreadful happenings, such as the California fires.

         This year alone have been some of the most devastating and damaging fires in Northern California ever. There are four factors that have caused the fires to be so bad this year. Number one is that from October 2016 to May 2017, rainfall had increased a lot. This caused a very dense growth of brush, grass, and trees. Number two is that during the spring this year, the weather grew very dry and dried out the plants and trees. Number three, starting this fall, the air in California had barely any humidity at all, and the temperatures rose into the hundreds. Number four is that the air currents have moved all throughout California causing many fires to spread throughout Northern and Southern California. These reasons alone can cause some very nasty fires. What makes these fires so extraordinary is that they have been very close to cities and neighborhoods, causing about 6,000 buildings to be lost, 40 human deaths, and 75,000 evacuations. When the people return home after the fire has diminished they find that most of their homes are gone. The houses are ash and rubble. However, many of the people still consider themselves lucky to be alive.

         This year alone, California has lost 233,000 acres of land due to about 5,600 fires. The firefighters have been trying their best, but can’t keep up with all the fires.

          In times like these, we need to remember to come to Christ and pray for guidance. Ask Him to help through all the trials and grief the Californians are having. Don't only pray when there are troubles, though. We need to pray and talk with God all the time.

By Sarah Fox
Random Facts

Fake*News

(PS: That means it's all made up)

with Nathan Buck

Earthquake on Lower Campus

      In a year of hurricane disasters and more, many thought that the worst was over.

      Sadly, this was not the case for Lower Campus in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where a 8.5 earthquake recently devastated the area.  

      Reports are still coming in, but the aftermath seems catastrophic.

      Tremors were reported early in the morning of October 1, at 10:05 am. Local resident Dannie Gamble said the tremors gave her "much fright" and that she was "sore afraid--scared stiff.” Lower Campus bakery owner Courtney Behlmer agreed, stating that she just had time to put the muffins in the oven before the quake began. "The poor muffins," she sobbed.

      With the muffins officially the first casualties of the catastrophic quake, others around the village of Lower Campus recounted their experiences.

      "I was walking by the creek," recounts Campus Nurse Olivia Thurow, "when I was rudely thrown to the ground."

      "She thought it was me playing a prank," added Kari Wales.

      "I thought it was her," Thurow admitted. "Even when I saw the crack open in the ground, I briefly asked myself, 'Could Kari do that?' No. That's when I realized it had to be an earthquake."

      Sure enough, other witnesses confirm that a giant fissure opened in the earth across the entire Lower Campus woods. Lumberjacks Jordan Rutz and Josh Gerbitz witnessed the event.

      Rutz said, "I saw it."

      "So did I," recalled Gerbitz.

      "It was pretty cool," said Rutz.

      "Meh...it was alright," Gerbitz remembered.

      "I thought it was SUPER AWESOME!!!" said Sam Oster.

      Some recall events a little differently. Barbershop owner Jacob Fossum told reporters, "I saw it coming… all mean and growling, and then it got on all fours and burrowed into the ground, but I hit it with my shovel and it died."

      Upon hearing this, townsfolk panicked. Many feared the earthquake would come for them. However, Dr. Rayne Reetz of the Seismic Detection Institute calmed their fears: "It is generally understood that what Fossum saw was a mole, and it did not start the earthquake."

      Despite villagers being calmed, the real earthquake certainly was not.

      The quake subsided, but aftershocks proceeded to demolish key buildings and knock down acres of forest. Whole towns and villages were destroyed. The creek was blocked off by debris so that the baseball field basin flooded and turned into a giant floodplain.

      While President Lindsey Sydow declared a regional state of emergency and called in the National Guard, most kids threw on their swimsuits and ran down to swim in the water.

      "We finally have a pool!" Carter Kisor yelled, as he cannonballed in.

      President Sydow applauded their actions.

      "They are having fun in a very difficult time. Despite the fact that aftershocks are still going on and the danger is still very real, they are laughing and holding chicken fights. I admire that and say keep going." No comment yet from President Trump, except a tweet stating, "LOVE those kids. GREAT kids. Very BIG earthquake...the BIGGEST. Very great job."

      In such a troubling time, many others showed great compassion and humanitarian aid for victims of the earthquake. Many contributed by helping clear rubble, handing out water and towels, and trying to console those who were laughing on account of this article being fake. Our hearts go out to these brave students.

      The damage is being assessed, but we can already see that much of campus is ruined. The Academic Center is in shambles, and the campus is completely changed. Search parties are still digging through rubble to find Noah Sydow, whose witty snapchats from down below prove he's still alive and well. Don't fret. It's only a matter of time before he's found.

      Multiple people are injured. Levi Schaller, injured by a pillow falling from North Hall’s third floor, said, "I'm in deep pain...don't ask me questions....can't even move my earlobe...ughh."

      Many others feel the same. Those in the hospital include Kaitlyn Berman, Alex Squires, Jacob Hammond, and Paul Sullivan. All four were injured by cannonballing into water that was too shallow. When asked about the incident, Sullivan said, "Well, I had my fun." He later gave himself 90 minutes of detention.

      Unfortunately, there was one casualty.

      During an aftershock, the statue of Louie the Lancer broke into hundreds of pieces. Sadly, all the prof's horses and all the freshmen couldn't put Louie together again. He later died of his wounds.

      We mourn the lost and show support as the students and professors continue to rebuild...and look for Noah Sydow in the rubble.

      This and more, next time on Fake News.

 

(Please, do your part and see if Noah needs aid throughout the school day. You can send donations to Noah in the form of turkey dinners, chocolate bars, and purple lavender snuggies. To contribute, go to http://troublenoahtrappedinrubble.weebly.com, and thank you for your generosity.) 

By Nate Buck

Weird Things

HEARD AROUND CAMPUS

“The freshman are the lowest class because they have the worst grapes.”

-Miriam Whitenight

 

“Oh, man, this guy captured me. Better marry him.”

-Prof. Lau

 

“Imagine if EVERYTHING reproduced.”

-Jadyn

 

“I’m serenading the floor, do you mind? I’m in a cult with the floor. It’s called the sweeper society.” -Hope Mayhew

 

“It’s like butterfly poop.”

-Lily Meyer

 

“The rackets are TENDER!”

-Mrs.J

By Brynn Schierenbeck
Earthquake on Lower Campus

Dungeons and Dragons

A note for those who don’t know about D&D:  In this game, there are many players who must decide the fate of the world. To save it, condemn it, or just stay out of the whole business is your choice. As players of D&D, people must have their character live, adventure, and misadventure through the different storylines created by the Dungeon Masters. With different skills, feats, classes, and races, this game can be for just about anybody. This game is about magic, combat, puzzles, riddles, and -most importantly- chance.  Almost every move is determined by the roll of a die (the higher the roll, the better chances of success.), and who knows?  Your character may even be the one to become ruler over the world….or its condemner… or your character will be the one that just wants to live in the world.  Only by playing can you truly find out. The dungeon is calling you...

A note for all readers: the encounters and quotes in this portion of the story may have been modified from the original account.
Story: Troll Trouble
    Three adventurers, a gnome wizard, a half-vampire rogue, and a human ranger, slowly trudge through the boggy ground and humid, smelly air of a swamp. Their weapons are at their sides. The rogue and the wizard suddenly stop dead in their tracks; they smelled something more foul and even more dangerous than the swamp itself: a troll was nearby. The ranger hadn’t noticed because she had pulled her hood over her mouth and nose to try and keep out the stench of the swamp.
    “Wait,” the rogue whispered harshly to her, getting her attention. “There’s a troll nearby.  We don’t know where it is, but it’s close.”  The ranger nodded back to them.
    “I’ll climb this tree and check if I can see it,” she said back, clambering up the closest tree.  She slowly scanned the surrounding swampland, but she didn’t notice anything.  She looked down at her waiting companions and was about to tell them that she didn’t see it, but then she did see it. It was standing right behind them.
    The troll hit the wizard, sending him flying through the air and landing several yards away in a pool of swamp muck.
    “There’s the troll!” the ranger yelled, jumping to the ground with her swords in her hands.
    “It’s a good thing you noticed that!” the gnome yelled at her, spitting some swamp grass out of his mouth. He got out of the mess, wiping off his muddy robes without success. The troll began approaching the short wizard, raising its fists for another blow. The rogue ran up behind it and swung his sword at it, and his weapon deflected harmlessly off its thick skin. The troll brought down its fists, barely missing the gnome. In return, the gnome sent a spell of fire that hit it in the chest, burning its flesh and making it reel back.
    Once the troll gained its footing again, it struck the gnome, knocking him against the tree and making him fall unconscious. The ranger was almost to the troll as the rogue attacked it for the second time, making a long cut on its back. In response, the troll turned around and knocked the wind out of its attacker. By this time, the ranger was by the troll, and she swung both of her swords, both of them impaling its skin.
    The half-vampire slowly got onto his feet again and feebly swung his sword only to be hit and knocked out against a tree.
    “Just great!” the ranger groaned. She saw that the troll was already turning towards her, its claws reaching out to her. She struck one of its hands with her sword, and she ducked as the other swept over her head. She struck one more time before the troll knocked her to the ground.  Before her vision blacked out, she saw the troll’s hand reach out and begin to drag her away.
    “No…” she said, falling unconscious.
                                                                                                                       *    *    *    *
    The three companions woke up in a dark cave, sore from their failed skirmish with the troll.  It was almost impossible to see.
    “How come we’re not dead?” the rogue asked, rubbing his bruised head.
    “We’re in the troll’s den,” the gnome said, pointing through the dark. At the mouth of the cave, the troll stood guard facing out towards the night’s sky. “He must think that we’re dead and is saving us for a later meal.”
    “Well, I’m not staying around to see how that turns out,” the ranger said. She slowly stood up and lifted her hands, calling on what little nature magic she knew to heal the other two.  The gnome quickly grabbed her hands, stopping the magic from happening.
    “If he saw you doing that,” he whispered, “it’ll kill us all for sure.”
    “Let’s use these,” the rogue said, pulling out three vials filled with red liquid.  “Minor healing potions.”  They each drank one potion vial each, recovering most of their strength, but not all of it.
    “Now how do we escape?” the ranger asked.  The rogue looked at the size of the cave, the wall to the troll’s right, and flung the vial in that direction.  When it shattered, the troll turned and took a couple steps towards the sound.  The rogue then got up and snuck around the left of the troll.  He was almost out when he kicked a pebble, alerting the troll.  It whirled around, grabbed him, and rammed him into the wall.
    “Oh…” the rogue moaned as every vertebrae in his body cracked.  The troll dropped him lifeless to the floor. He was dead. The ranger was shocked, but wasn’t ready to die as a troll’s snack. She took out a little surprise she had in her quiver: an alchemist’s fire arrow. It’s capable of doing some damage to the troll. She crept up close to the troll, but out of its reach. She began sawing the end off, planning to lob the explosive end down the troll’s gullet.
    She had almost finished cutting it when her hand slipped, hitting the tip and setting off the explosion  The fire hit the troll, the gnome, and herself. Although she was closest to the arrow, she only got slightly burned and barely harmed. The gnome, however, immediately caught fire. He ran around screaming, bumping into the troll and setting it on fire. As the troll tromped around trying to extinguish the flames, the ranger ran out of the cave, dragging the flaming gnome behind her. They barely escaped and fled into the swamp in search of better shelter.
                                                                                                          The End of this part of the story

                                          (You may see these characters later in other short excerpts, but it may not continue where it left off.)
 

By Zach Strike
Dungeons and Dragons
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