SENIOR SPOTLIGHT: JOEL FRANK
Q: What’s your middle name?
A: Edward
Q: What’s your mother’s maiden name?
A: Prissel
Q: What’s your favorite class?
A: Physics
Q: What’s your favorite juice?
A: Cranberry
Q: Who’s your favorite historical figure?
A: Albert Einstein
Q: What’s your favorite color?
A: Neon
Q: Who’s your role model?
A: Me, Myself, and I
Q: Who’s your favorite Flash staff member?
A: Seth Miller (queue the applause and
Seth takes a bow)
Mount Rushmore of Cereal
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Fruit Loops
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Cinnamon Toast
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Lucky Charms
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Anything Not Raisin Bran
Mount Rushmore of Video Games
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Battlefield 4
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Black Ops 2
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World of Tanks
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Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds (rip off of Fortnight) [queue the triggered PUBG players]
Mount Rushmore of Candy
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Skittles
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Snickers
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Kit-Kat
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M&M
Where Do You See Joel in 15 Years?
Carter Kisor: Playing video games in his
mom’s basement :/
Jon Gamble: Living it large in Atlanta getting
all those hot record deals
Faith Lillo: Hopefully hanging out with me in
Milwalukee
Megan Johnston: Still wishing he was Prof. Schierenbeck
Julianna Hein: Living in Eau Claire with three
kids and a hot wife (typical caucasian male story)
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By Seth Miller
Mad Lib
(Prof Rodebaugh) sprinted through the jungle, the Vietcong hot on his tail. They shot (balls), lobbed explosive (wheels), and pelted the area with mortar fire. Prof. Rodebaugh leaped (stealthily) into a stream. While (eating) through the water, a cougar latched onto his leg. The Vietcong advanced and they yelled, “(Stop, drop, and roll.)” He disobeyed the command and fell into a pit with (trees). The torture in the pit was unbearable. But Prof. Rodebaugh heard a rumble and to his disbelief he saw an apache helicopter with (Joseph Stalin) piloting it. Prof. was escorted to the chopper by an elite team of (walls) called the (Blue Shoes). After getting on the chopper they returned to base camp only twenty miles from (Trump Tower).
SENIOR SPOTLIGHT: TROYAL MAYHEW
This interview was conducted in the 9,000 degree room with Troyal, Sean, and Justin.
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When and where were you born? July 6, 2000, Cheyenne, Wyoming
What is your favorite high school memory? Spanish 1
You’re stranded on a cold, icy, deserted island. What 4 things would you bring with you?
Tara's blanket
Red Bull
Cottage cheese
Your mom
We finish the interview and you find a lottery ticket that ends up winning $10 million. What would you do?
I would buy some Red Bull, then buy some Jordan's, fix up my car, buy a new car… I don't know.
What do you want to be if you grow up? An ivory carver
Favorites
Person in the history of ever- Steve Lee (Justin's dad)
Prof.- Jeff
Sport- baseball
Tv show- Psych
Movie series- Shrek
Where do you see Troyal in ten years:
Tara Gerbitz: Probably dead because he drank too much red bull
Dan Lau: Geometry class, since he still wouldn't have passed
Levi Schaller: In Eau Claire still claiming to hate Eau Claire
Henry Lau: "I'd rather not say."
Prof Roehl: Working as an engineer using his vast skills in geometry.
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By Justin Winters
TOP 10:
PLACES TO EAT
(Around here at least)
*Note- BK will not be included in this Top 10 article for personal reasons.
10.Milwaukee Burger
9. Stella Blues
8. Dooley’s
7. Noodles and Company
6. Five Guys
5. Taco Bell
4. Charley’s Philly Steaks
3. Mancinos
2. Papa Murphy’s
1. Chipotle
By Dan Lau
I, of course, cannot pass up the opportunity to give a big thank you to my fellow classmate and comrade, one who worked side by side with me this year. This fella has never wavered his dedication, nor have his contributions faltered. He has always had my back regarding newspaper affairs. The entire year I could always rely on him no matter what the situation, always providing full-bodied attention with captivating insight, thought-provoking writing, hours of dedication, and immense augmentation are just some of the strong attributes this individual displayed throughout the year.
In spite of all his efforts, he is being removed from his position, respectfully. We hope to see Seth Miller return to the Flash team his senior year and wish him well on his summer vacation. Again, I thank you.
By Megan Johnston
By Julianna Hein
Thunderstorms
Katherine: Happy
Leah: Smile
Patrick: Face
Rachel: Eyes
Mackenna: Nose
Mel G: Blackheads
Linsey: Disgusting
Jillian: Loud Chewing
Weird Things
HEARD AROUND CAMPUS
“Toby’s calling me a sebaceous tumor!”
-Crater Ry-guy
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“It’s squirting like a real Milker”
-Melonball Gerbitz
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“I didn’t know what to do so I just went for her throat”
-Shopping Cart Ryan
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“Do you think if I pluck my eyeball out the pain will make me not feel the Little Caeser’s in my eye?”
-Justine Wieners
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“What if people later ostrich eggs every month?”
-Prof. Rodebag
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(In response) “THAT WOULD BE LIKE HALF A BABY EVERY MONTH”
-Brynn Scheaihcjdoejdhdjbeck
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“Don’t eat cancer”
-Green Jacobs and Hammond
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"If you act like you know the person it's only awkward for them."
-A Tony Care Bay
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By Björn Schierenbeck-
Senior SOngs
There are few seniors that actually check and respond to their emails, one in which I asked them to insert a song which describes their high school career or their favorite high school moment. These are the select responses, enjoy!
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Octopus’s Garden - Beatles (Henry)
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I Ran - Flock of Seagulls (Wilke)
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2000 Light Years Away - Green Day (Dan L.)
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You're Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins (Karow)
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Steppin' Out - Electric Light Orchestra (Hannah)
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The Judge - Twenty One Pilots (Kaitlyn Brandle)
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Boys From Back Home - Scotty McCreery (Josh)
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Man Up Anthem - 116 (Steph)
By Cassidy Noeldner
RandoM Facts
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The person who invented the frisbee was later cremated and made into a frisbee after he died.
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Cherophobia is the fear of fun.
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The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS symbol.
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Arab women can initiate divorce if they’re husbands don’t pour coffee for them.
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Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine.
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Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for three hours.
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Birds don’t urinate.
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The first alarm clock could only ring at 4 am.
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The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world.
By Julianna Hein
Canadian Corner
Hello, folks, she’s May outside and still we’re rocking some nice and cool 6°C weather, just how we like it. How crazy is it that it's the summer! Now, you’re probably wondering, what do Canadians do in the summer anyways? Well, let me tell you! It’s always super cold up there and it’s not like we can do any outdoor activities, right? WRONG. We actually get nice and busy with some heaty 30°C weather. Nights at the drive in, floating lazy rivers, mosquito infested campfires, hiking to waterfalls, boating trips, camping in national parks, days spent at the lake, you name it. Probably one of my favourite adventure activities is road tripping! The views you drive by have the effect of literally taking your breath away. If you readers out there ever find yourself in my neck of the woods, one of the best day drives is heading up to Nakusp through Revelstoke taking the Galena Bay Ferry. If you’re feeling extra adventurous you might even find yourself heading towards Alberta up through Golden to get yourself to Banff (little more than a day drive though). I hope you all have a wonderful summer break and I can’t wait for August so that we might swap some of our adventures! Godspeed, and much love.
Signing out from Maple Leaf Rd., Moose Town, BC.
By Megan Johnston
Professor Report
In this issue, we will review Professor Lau, the ninth grade class advisor. He also teaches English 9. He also seems to be rather popular in the freshman class. “[Prof. Lau is] really funny and always says the strangest things in class,” states Marisa Konshak. Another freshman replies: “[Prof. Lau] is amazing! He explains stuff well, and is just super funny. [He is the] best class advisor.” “[Prof. Lau is] so much fun in class,” comments Tyler Radichel, “Even though his jokes are really bad sometimes.” Good job, Professor Lau. Keep it up!
By Rebecca Durst
Flash Member of The Month
Nathan Buck
We’ve had lots of positive feedback regarding the Flash Member of the Month and I think it’s safe to say we have saved the best for last. Constantly impressing his readers with his wit and charisma, his articles are filled with gags, intrigue, and flair. Being a true veteran to the Flash, Nathan Buck really knows what he’s doing. I asked him exactly how much time he has invested into the Flash and it is jaw-dropping! From 2011, he started as a student writer, then by his junior year he landed the co-editor position with Becca Naumann (shoutout!), and continuing all the way through college. He is still an important part of our team! Including the students of ILC in his Fake News article, Nate instills a greater interest in the Flash by getting the student body talking all about things which happen in his elaborate stories. Remember when Prof. Sullivan gave himself detention, or when Steph Kazemba was put into custody? Haha, thank you again Nate. You are very appreciated!
By Megan Johnston
WORD ASSOCIATION
Thank You
Being the Faculty Advisor to a school newspaper is fraught with danger. The paper can only be as good as the staff who works for it. Writers for the Flash do not receive a grade for their work, or any academic credit, as is the case in many schools. Our volunteer staff does what they do to make the daily lives of students here a little more enjoyable and interesting. In particular, our editor this year, Megan Johnston, deserves much credit for getting things done. Sometimes this takes gentle persuasion and a light touch. At other times it requires a swift hockey stick to the shins. In both cases, she has proven herself effective. We are pleased to announce that Aric Reim has agreed to become assistant editor for next year’s version of the Flash. We look forward to the creativity and other gifts he will bring to the staff.
Have a great summer, and we hope to see you again next year.
By Prof Joe Lau
The Name Game of Fame!
With Nathan Buck
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It’s back! The Name Game of Fame is finally here! Basically, I took every high school name from the locker assignment sheet and typed them all into Microsoft Word 2003. Then, when the little red squiggles appeared, I autocorrected them to the funniest option. Some names are boring and have no funny alternative spellings (like Nathan Buck). If their names were like this and the little red squiggles didn't appear, I took off letters or added duplicate letters until they did. Some are a stretch, but I’ve done it again...for the last time. I challenge you to try to guess who everyone is! Tell me which one is your favorite! This time, I added the professors...
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(All names listed are purely a result of unforeseen spelling suggestions submitted by Microsoft Word 2003. No ill intent meant)
Freshmen Sophomores Juniors Seniors
Baron Aches Avert Quad Cartel Kiosk Airline Brandy
Tile Radishes Lands Seeded Ale Squid Jello Frankfurter
Leach Ballet Bean Toaster Jam & Saliva Terabits
Hans the Oilman Shaman Kitten Timmy Meerkat Sea Lilies
Sir Heiney Jelly Gumboil Laurel Gruel Ocular Gerbil
Dance Mayhem Levied Web Top Julie and a Hemi Amusing Marrow
Mario's Kart Shack Obi Michelle Das Masker Stephan's Ameba
Scar Fixes Greek Meme Pig from Guam The Grand Scz Cwz
Pashto Looms Cable Gnat Crystal Synod Car Raids
Ethyl Silo Jacopo Harmony Norah Yowled La Arena Sonic
Ryman Language Tube Cyst Ham Foster Levitating Scholar
Labret's Muskrat Alas, Son of Shale! Little Maher Kinder Animism
Lead Center Jodi Bauman Plexus Niche Flexing Wilma
Ratchet Madonna Migrant Babes Steppe Kaiser Orange Ruiz
Paula Styrene Jade Mule Chassid One-Liner Dana's Luau
Masonic Gardens Anthon Graybar Macarena Bud Cathode Rhyme
Rebel Dust Hopi Machete The Gab Platter Timid Peers
Emu Killer Dacha Ostrich Set Miles Jessup Wilkins
Assai Plash Bring Sherbet Back! Kitty Bergaman Jeans & Milk
Colton of Macedonia Jay Abilene Mega Johnstown Hanjan Foxes
Karate Whales Sari Duds Rain Reeds Justify Winters
José Vader Patricia Bakes Dangly Gambler Royal Mayhap
Scotch Lolo Myriad Whitening Nicolas Shoetree Hear Ray Laud!
Kettle Banker Arid Remix
Mir and Fleshes Melanin Grits
Frying Slimmerman Sammy Radar-Maker
Elm Baillie The Courting Beholder
Andrei the Falconer
Jacobin Fossil
Eric & the Oyster
Olive Throw
Sunray Willie
A Thank You and a Farewell
Professors
Prof. Joke Galleria Prof. Jiao Llama
Prof. Peru Scales Prof. Joy Regime
Prof. Join Udders Prof. Murky Koran
Prof. Dad Redbug Prof. Jewish Sandbox
Prof. Stew for Supper Prof. Pay the New Man!
Prof. Russian Roach Prof. Pale Soldier
By Nate Buck
By Nate Buck
Fake News
(PS: That means it's all made up. No connections to any characters or events, fictional or real.)
with Nathan Buck
Noah Sydow Found!
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The campus of Eau Claire Immanuel Lutheran was overjoyed this morning. Emergency personnel and TV crews were swarming the lower parking lot where a relieved Sydow family had gathered along with the community of Lancers to welcome Noah Sydow back to the real world. It was a beautiful sight; people hugging; crowds cheering; ballads being sung….
Tears were literally pouring down my cheek as I wrote this, folks.
This event was a culmination of events that first began when Noah Sydow, just an average guy, was suddenly and tragically trapped in rubble.
Said Sydow, "I was...so alone, so scared. I felt like a baby giraffe in a denim jacket."
Sydow detailed how he survived for months on end in a small, cramped hole, with only a tiny hole for air and dirt for food, until help arrived.
"My only friends were a small wolf spider named Gervidio and a small rubber ball named Jerry. Until one day, desperate for food, we drew straws to decide who would live and who would die so the others could eat them. And well, you can see how that went." The wolf spider's family has declined to press charges. Jerry's family has sued Sydow for emotional damages.
I asked Sydow what he ate after that.
"Well, you'd be surprised at all the uses for fresh loam." He then noted his favorite recipes excitedly: "Loam a la Mode, Loam and Loam, Loam on a Stick but without a Stick, Fresh Loam, Aged Loam….you name it, I made it. You know...except for real food. Well, I did make a killer Rocky Road Ice Cream...but the pieces of road ran out eventually, and there was no ice cream."
Sydow was found early on, and was funneled some supplies in the form of turkey dinners and purple lavender snuggies. However, rescue crews were unable to uncover him due to the sudden and recurring problem that everyone kept forgetting.
Said Lydia Kettner, "I just forgot."
"Really, I just completely forgot,” remarked Jeff Schierenbeck.
"I remembered," said Cassidy Noeldner. "But I just didn't want to."
"Even I forgot I was stuck in rubble," exclaimed Sydow with a slight nod and shrug. "After a while, I just forgot that I wasn't still in classes, and that everyone wasn't actually stuck in rubble with me. I did all my geology homework, but I got in trouble for being late to class one day, and so for detention we had to shovel a fixed number of rocks….three of them. Which was also my math homework for the next day, and english and local modern history. And music...but only if the rocks were classic rocks."
Sydow's emotional state has been examined by numerous international teams.
Psychologist Dr. Emma Bailey of Georgetown reported that Noah Sydow exhibited all the signs of post-rubble-stuckness, and that his glib and witty remarks were off the charts.
"He responded to every single question I asked with either a pun, a hilarious joke, or a really deep musing on philosophy," said Bailey. "This is common behavior from someone who hasn't been in classes for more than half of the school year."
Other psychologists disagreed with Bailey's findings.
Dr. Levi Wittorp, PhE in Physical Education from the high school of Immanuel Lutheran in Eau Claire, reported that Sydow seemed to be suffering from "acute mental hypnosocialitis from a relapsed case of delirious mitochrondatus due to his prolonged exposure to enzymes in the durgal layer of the collapsed rubble".
Sydow is currently being treated for ensolitithius and rubisiolarchy at the ILC Academic Center Research Hospital, where he is expected to make a full recovery in several years, under the expert care of the lead patient care team, composed of Dr. Paul Schierenbeck, Nurse Josie Naumann, and Kevin Bacon.
Whatever the case may be, we are sincerely happy, and wish Sydow a long and painful recovery.
Breaking News!!!: We have just received word that Cal McDonald is now stuck in rubble. Rubble Season is in full swing. Experts are now warning that the chance of stepping outside and being stuck in rubble is 95.3%. Rubble emergency sirens are always tested on the first Tuesday of every weekend.
--End of Fake News.
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