Senior Spotlight: Allison Grace Schaller
Senior Spotlight: Brynn Schierenbeck
Allison Grace Schaller. She is the social butterfly of the class, and one of the most supportive people I know. She has a lot of opinions and she's not afraid to share them, no matter how controversial they may turn out to be. She's got a lot of spirit and confidence, and she's ready to share that with the world.
S: When and Where?
A: Oh, early in the morning of May 3, 2002, in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
S: What kind of tree do you compare yourself to, and why?
A: I think it's called a sycamore, but whatever those trees are that are really squiggly. They're fun to climb, I compare myself to one of those because there are a lot of knots and forks and not a lot of leaves.
S: Which superpower would you choose and why?
A: Physically, telekinesis would be pretty awesome, but my second would be empathy. If you touch someone they would be able to feel exactly what you're feeling, or you would be able to feel exactly what they're feeling for that moment.
S: What animal do you think you’re most similar to?
A: My first instinct was to say a cow because they eat all the time. I'm always hungry. My second instinct would be some sort of a cat because they're always emotional. Maybe a puma because it shrieks when it's running after its prey. Yeah, I think that's good.
S: What do you think about when you're alone?
A: That’s kind of an evil question. I think about traveling a lot, where I want to go. I think about Bennet. I think about guys a lot. I think about the funny things that people do when they're interacting. I think about a wide variety of things, and most of them include people. Weird people.
S: Any advice for freshman?
A: Do the homework for the next day. Organize your time so that you're not doing all the homework at once. You do the homework that you need to do, and then you leave time for relaxation. Also make a visual aid for when your long-term projects are due, like a colored calendar, that only has long-term projects on it. It is so nice to just look at that to calm yourself down. Then you can work on your long-term projects one at a time as they come to you. Prioritizing, baby, that's what it's all about.
S: Funniest high school memory?
A: There are too many. Okay, probably not the funniest in my memory, but when I went bowling after formal with Toby and Patrick and Jacob and Bryce, we were all in our get-up, right, our formal get-up, and Bryce picked up the bowling ball and he spun around and he threw it down the bowling alley and it hit the side and it bounced back in the middle and it made a strike. I don't know how that's possible, but he did it.
S: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Well, I'm considering getting a job as a stay-at-home mom. Otherwise, possibly something along the lines of female resources, or I might go into the entertainment industry. Somehow definitely involving traveling.
S: You're a new addition to the crayon box. What color are you and why?
A: Blatant Brown. My friends look at the brown part because, apparently, I'm the hippie and the naturalist of the class, and then the blatant part is because I kind of talk before I realize what I'm saying. Maybe there's a better word for blatant. Something to do with inappropriate, maybe, but I don't mean to be. I just realize it after it comes out. OK, that's good.
Favorites
Class: Art or POD
Prof: Rodebaugh, obviously
Food: Asian, specifically Curry, and Thai is a close second.
Drink: lemonade or orange juice, but that'll probably change when I'm 21.
Fandom: Can you call Studio Ghibli a fandom? I love their work and almost any of their stories. I'm wild about them.
Hobby: being lazy with someone I love
Animated Disney movie: as a child, the OG Cinderella. Now, The Emperor's New Groove or Ratatouille.
-Sarah Durst
You all know Brian Sherminek. The girl on the court, on the field, in the kitchens, behind the trumpet, and doing every other activity known to man, all with a smile and a few sarcastic remarks. But how well do you actually know her?
T: When and where?
B: I was born in Edina, MN on March 20, 2002.
T: What advice would you give to freshman you?
B: Shut. Up. I was literally so annoying my freshman year and I came back sophomore year and didn't say a word.
T: What's your favorite high school memory?
B: We wet a whole bunch of cotton balls and threw them at the ceiling.
Jillian: Didn't we end up throwing cake at each other?
B: Yeah, and Beth walked in and was just like, "Clean it up."
J: But then she walked in later and was laughing so . . .
T: What are your plans for after high school?
J: *laughs* you think she knows?
B: Okay, okay, I MIGHT be going to North Carolina. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'm going to get an actuarial degree.
T: How would you say that you've changed during high school?
B: Become more aware of the impact of my actions.
J: You've matured.
T: What's your biggest high school regret?
J: Rooming with me.
B: What? No. Giving you your contacts.
T: And finally, WHY?
B: I don't know why, yet, but right now, I'm sure God put me here for a reason and I'd like to find out what that reason is before Judgment Day comes, you know?
B: And for Stephen.
Favorites
Sport: Volleyball
Color: Yellow and Light Blue, together.
Prof: J. Schierenbeck
Bible Verse: Isaiah 41:10
Hymn: “I Am Jesus' Little Lamb”
Roomate: Hope.
Where do you see Brynn in 20 years?
--The most enthusiastic life coach, always knowing the perfect advice to give.
--Egypt.
--A woman of STEM. STEM is such a big thing now. A woman of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. Yeah. Look for that. So there’s a lot of stuff in that. That’s not in 20 years, though. She’s going to be a powerful leader of some countries with her math and abilities and has some, um, cats or something (Brynn--I do like cats) and a pug.
--An accomplished actuary getting paid six figures (Morgan--so she can buy more cats and pugs) and her hair will still be blonde, styled in a fancy bun.
-Trinity Mayhew
Weird Things Heard
Around Campus
Well, as you can see, I got a lot of quotes this time (Thank you, weekend DnD sessions). I actually cut a few out to save for next time. People were really talkative this month. I hope you enjoy these, and maybe a few of you will recognize your own quotes.
"Tastes like Cheeze Its, only fishier."
"American soda is called beer."
"Time to wash all my scrunchies! I was going to put them in the washing machine, but I forgot."
"Car debates are relationship breakers. Be careful."
"Hamburgers and limbs are basically the same thing."
"I have the vertical of a tater tot."
"That dude's a marshmallow."
"I have the attention span of a rabbit."
"Everything's terrible, everything sucks. Goodnight everybody, thanks for joining us."
“Okay, I’m not making a kid out of bone marrow.”
“Thou shalt not speed on thou donkey.”
"Where are my tongs? I need my tongs!"
“When in doubt, fight them for their tricycle.”
"If people can tell your gender, you're not wearing enough clothing."
"Can you cook a bag of popcorn in the dryer?"
"Ramen transcends all languages."
"Why do you never support me in anything I do? You just sit there passively burping…"
-Suraya Williams
Dungeons & Dragons
I have played D&D campaigns that have been many different sizes, and I have not noticed much difference with them. However, as a Dungeon Master, the number of people that you have in your campaign changes what you have to prepare for the players. You can honestly have as few as two players and a DM playing, or you could have as many players as eight or nine with the DM, which makes playing D&D very flexible for including newcomers.
Are there any advantages and disadvantages to having a bigger or smaller party? When there are more players, the DM has to make sure that they give the party enough loot after certain encounters so that there isn’t a lack in equipment (i.e. coinage, magic items, rations, potions, etc.), and they have to increase the difficulty of the combat encounters so the party can be challenged. The advantages to having more players include the ability to cover more area that you might have problems with in a smaller party (i.e. magic offense and/or defense, front-line fighters and/or support characters, skill-adept characters, etc.), and you wouldn’t have to restart the campaign or make new characters if some of the players’ characters are knocked out or killed. The disadvantage is that there can be disputes with distribution of certain magic items and decisions as to whether they should or shouldn’t accept a mission, and combat is significantly slowed, making players have to wait a long time for their turn in the fight.
What advantages and disadvantages might a smaller party have? As I mentioned before, smaller parties won’t gain as much loot from encounters as a larger party would, and they would have a harder time in combat (i.e. they might be lacking magical abilities and support; they could have a weak defense and no one to take the heavier hits; or they might not be able to gain access to certain parts of the campaign because their skills are not high enough). However, a smaller party would face smaller threats in their combat, their turns in the fights would come sooner, they can possibly have arguments that are more swiftly settled, and there is easier distribution of loot.
For a player, you don’t have to worry as to how many others are playing with you as much as the DM does; your character has to play his/her role and not slack off in assisting his/her party. Most of the stress falls on the DM for the party size, having to prepare everything beforehand so the campaign isn’t too hard, too easy, too profiting, or too lacking in loot. Overall, the size of the party shouldn’t be something that a player should worry about, but I personally would recommend a party size of 3-6 players so you have a party balanced in offense, defense, skills, magic, and social interaction with the NPC’s (non-player characters).
How Many Players are Needed to Play?
-Zach Strike
November Articles
Word Associations
Starting Word: TURKEY
Gravy- Annie O.
Potatoes- Jonah M.
Irish- Austin W.
Shrek- Matt R.
Warm- Ian B.
Cold- Miranda F.
Snow- Max W.
Frosty the Snowman- Charis G.
Ending Word(s): Happy Birthday- Jaden C.
-Kitara Meilke
Haiku Blues
Most have settled in
Back to the routine of school
With all the homework,
And with it comes stress
But you can't forget about
Depression, yes, that.
Although horrible,
You can fight through it, you can.
I believe in you.
Many others do,
You just may not see it through
The veil it lowers
Over your sense of
Others and relationships
That you have with them.
Just know that they are,
Though not so obvious, there.
You just don't see them.
-Rebecca Durst
MAD LIBS
Brought to you by the students of Immanuel
-Sarah Fox
Thanksgiving Day
It was Thanksgiving, and the scent of succulent roast amoeba(N) wafted through my house. “Cable(Person), it’s time to die(V).”Said my mother. I couldn’t wait to get my fingernail(Part of Body) on that hairy(ADJ) Thanksgiving meal. My family sat around the dining-room tambourine(N).. The table was laid out with every kind of elephant(N) imaginable. There was a basket of hot, buttered manatees(Pl N) and glasses of sparkling saliva(Liquid). The sweaty turkey sat, steaming, next to a tureen of ceiling(N) gravy. A bowl of ruby-red squirrel(N) sauce, a sweet watermelon(N) casserole, and a dish of mashed cars(Pl N) tempted my taste buds. But the dish I looked forward to most was Grandma Sheridan’s(Person) famous tiger(N) pie. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, kneecaps(Part of Body) down.
Snow Day
As the snow falls from the floor(N). I look up and stick my thigh(Part of Body) out. I try to catch the snowflakes. It looks so squishy(ADJ) right now. I go back inside the house and sit down on the cabinet(Furniture) with a ginormous(ADJ) cup of kool-aid(Liquid). School is cancelled so I don’t have to go to Dog(N) class. Although I will be missing my favorite class, Wiggling(V) 101. My parents Allison(Person) and Aki(Person) had to go to work today. I’m home alone. This is juicy(ADJ)! I pig out on pizza rolls(Food) and kiwi(Food). I play battleship(Game) alone, but when my parents come home, sadly, the hobbling(V) has to stop.
Big D's Squirrel Babies
It’s that time of year again, and Big D Squirrel is fired up and ready to teach his squirrel babies how to gather acorns for the winter. Lead your baby squirrels as they march around the trees. See how many acorns you can gather before winter sets in.
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-Samuel Radermacher and Henry Lau
The Ultimate Convenience
It began with one simple question: “How can I edit a website for mobile phones?” Those words, along with the power of a Google search, granted us a convenience more useful than the toaster, mobile phones, frozen waffles, and minute rice. Today, the whole world can “stay up-to-date on all the campus buzz” right from their mobile phones! Anyone and everyone can read it on the longest of car rides and on the toughest school days. I say to you, “Get up. Make use of the ultimate convenience!”
-Joel Kuehne
There is an extremely wide variety of answers as to what people notice first about someone. According to a survey online the eyes are usually the first thing that is noticed. Hair, clothing, posture, and smile are high on the list.
In the survey done on ILHS students, I found that 12 out of 36 (â…“ or 33.3%) girls said others’ eyes are the most prominent. Only two guys gave the answer of eyes. However, while only two girls said they noticed clothes first, 9 out of 36 (¼ or 25%) guys said that someone’s outfit was most noticeable.
In second place from the ILHS girls, 8 (2/9 or 22.2%) said that a person’s smile or facial expression registers first. Similar yet different to this, 7 (19.4%) guys recognize facial features immediately.
The attention to hair, shoes, height, and posture had a similar ratio between guys and gals. I was amazed that only one person said that they noticed teeth first. I suppose the people that said smile could have been including that, but I guess you don’t have to worry if you don’t brush your teeth. Please do though! I had one young lady answer that she notices a person’s voice first, and I had two young gentleman tell me they notice [skin] color first.
In conclusion, I guess at our high school , if girls want to impress guys they should smile and wear clothing. (1 Peter 3:3-4, 1 Samuel 16:7, Luke 12:22-23 and Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.) Guys, if you want to impress girls, smile and have pretty eyes.
We were blessed with an answer from our beloved Dorm Mother, Beth Sandeen. After some thought, she said that she probably notices a person’s smile first. I think this is a good reminder that we should all strive to trust in the Lord, laying our burdens on Him, and lend a smile whenever we can.
Notes on Noticing
-Lydia Kettner
“What are you doing next year?”
I’m sure at least seniors, but perhaps all of us, can attest to the frequency this question has been asked of us. It all started when we were little, with the, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” questions. Oh, how I thought I had it all planned out then, miniature me. I was going to graduate at sixteen, go to school to be a teacher, and work for two years before I got married at 24. I even signed a contract with my mother, in green crayon, mind you, stating the above. Yes, I had it all together at the age of four.
Well, things and plans have all changed significantly since that time twelve years ago, and I’m about to the point where I actually do need to have it all together; where I’m going to go to college, what I want to do with my life. I need it to all be set in stone. Or do I? There is a very big fact that needs to be mentioned: I don’t know where I’m going to be next year, next month, or really even tomorrow. WHOA, DEEP. Okay, not really that deep, but it’s true. I don’t know for certain--and that’s okay.
Don’t get me wrong, this article isn’t supposed to be giving people who procrastinate on making those healthy decisions for their future an excuse to just not examine possibilities, or even telling you not to make those plans because what’s the use. No, instead, it’s to be a comfort. I don’t know where my life is ultimately going to go, but God does. In fact, He planned it all out for me from the beginning, despite my thinking I had plotted out everything when I was younger.
Isn’t that amazing? We are told that so often. “Yes,” we say, perhaps numbly, “I KNOW God is in control.” Let it sink in a little bit though. Feel that weight just slip from your shoulders. You are not in control. Proverbs 16:9 says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Plans aren’t bad, we are told to make them. Prepare for the future, contemplate the gifts God has given you so that you can best serve him, but know that he is going to take you to where you need to go, even if it isn’t where you thought you needed or wanted to be at first.
Most of all, I think it’s extremely important to remember to leave our hearts open to God’s direction. We can become so set on our previous ideas that we might not realize the incredible ways God is actually establishing us here in this life. Yes, make plans, have dreams, but don’t worry about it. Whether you know exactly what you want to do with your life, haven’t a single clue, or are somewhere in between, God’s still in control. The amazing truth is he’s going to direct you to the places you need to be and use you to do wonderful things, big and small.
High Hopes for the Future
-Grace Meyer
Daniel Mayhew bolted through the woods, becoming a blur of sweat, speed, and fear. An infuriated Garebear snapped at his heels. The snarls and growls were audible from the tennis courts as the pursued fled from the pursuer. They burst through the treeline and charged, unstoppable, up the hill, and Daniel Mayhew made a beeline for the boy's dorm. He flew through the door, up the stairs, down the hall, and barely managed to slip into his room and slam the door behind him. Garebear panted, irate, at the other side of the door, as Daniel secured his safety by pushing his desk up against the door. He proceeded to collapse onto the carpet and fall into a hibernation-like sleep.
Fifty-nine people from our student body claimed that Daniel Mayhew would never be able to outrun a bear. Daniel thought otherwise. Fifteen claimed that perhaps he could, but only if the bear was disabled, injured, sleeping, or something of the like. Only twenty-eight people confidently proclaimed that yes, of course he could, and have been proven to be correct. After this chase of a lifetime, we can confidently conclude that Daniel can outrun a fully awake, alive, and able bear.
Daniel Mayhew Versus BEAR.
Disclaimer: We at the ILHS Flash do not endorse provoking bears or trying to get them to chase you. We also do not endorse moving your desk in front of your door. That is a fire hazard. Also, no bears were harmed in the making of this article.
What If . . .
. . . you are wandering through the woods and you come across a massive hole. You ask yourself, “Hey, I wonder how deep this hole is,” so you grab a fallen branch lying on the ground and poke it deep into the hole. However, to your surprise, your stick can’t seem to reach the bottom. You let go, and the stick falls into the darkness. You count and listen for the sound of the branch hitting the dirt, but after five minutes of nothing, you confusedly give up and begin pacing around the abyss.
You reach another idea. You quickly shove aside some trail mix and uncoil a rope from your super-convenient handy-dandy backpack and tie one end around a nearby tree and the other to your waist. You gently lower yourself into the pit. The further down you go, the darker it gets, but the more your fascination increases. Suddenly you feel a sharp tug of resistance as the rope runs out of distance. You hang there limply for a moment in the darkness before you reach for your backpack and pull out a flashlight. When you shine it around in a big circle, you notice straight dirt walls that continue down into even darker darkness. You think, “Now what?” then you come to a realization. “Well, I’ve got nothing better to do,” you say as you swiftly slip out of the rope and fall feet first into the never ending darkness.
The first strange thing you notice is the lack of air pushing up against you; it just feels like you’re floating in space. When you shine your flashlight around again, you see the dirt walls racing by, so you know that you are definitely still falling. At the mouth of the pit, the light pouring in from the sky grows smaller and smaller as you plunge further down at a steady acceleration of 9.8 m/s
. Although you can easily see that you are constantly moving faster and faster, you really can’t feel anything. So you decide to pass the time.
Your phone has lost reception at this point, so you cast it aside into the darkness. You pull out some playing cards from your pocket and start inventing some card tricks. You finally find the time to write that book and that Flash article that you’ve just been dying to get started on. You try to see how many consecutive front flips you can get in a row while floating in the air, until you realize that the answer is infinity. Yet, there still seems to be no end to this void as you senselessly continue to pick up speed.
354 days later, something truly extraordinary happens. Ages ago, while bored, you calculated how long it would take to accelerate up to the speed of light. Since there appears to be no air resistance for some magical reason, you took the speed of light (299,792,458 m/s) and divided it by Earth’s acceleration rate (9.8 m/s
), getting a result of 30,591,067 seconds, which could then be simplified to about 354 days. You marked the date and have been waiting ever since to see what would happen when you reached the speed of light.
It starts out just like any ordinary day, you wake up to the sound of nothing, with the sensation of floating weightlessly in space. You eat some trail mix from your backpack, play solitaire with yourself, and draw a picture of Chuck Norris riding a unicorn in your sketchbook. All seems to be going pretty well when suddenly you start to get a tingly feeling in the pit of your stomach.
Out of nowhere, the world suddenly turns white as you lose all feeling in your body. “Did I finally hit bottom?” you wonder as you desperately try to look around for something to grab on to, but then you wonder some more, “Wait a second! I wonder how I am wondering right now, I must still be alive!” Then the realization hits you like an oncoming train; you have just reached the speed of light.
Bright images flash by your eyes, some too quick to see, but in others you notice familiar sights: your first birthday, your first day of high school, the day you found the bottomless pit, etc. Unfamiliar scenes also play out before you: you see a man in a captain’s hat commanding a vessel, you see astronauts placing a flag on the moon, you even see a battalion of soldiers pouring out of a large wooden horse. “So this is what happens when you reach the speed of light!” You burst with excitement, “You can travel through space and time!”
You start experimenting with your newfound power. You discover that all you have to do is think of something and you’re there, at the location or witnessing the event. You get to write your name on the Declaration of Independence, you hand in your Flash article on time, you find John F. Kennedy and give him a jelly donut, you discover that it only takes you .1 seconds to run around the entire planet!
After a millennia of messing up history and seeing the world, you decide to take your curiosity to the stars. Leaving Earth behind, you take off into the cosmos with no particular destination in place. You learn how to play pool with planets, you surf the milky way, and you find out that Orion’s belt fits you just right. When you grow tired of traveling the universe, you return to Earth, time traveling back to the day where you first began this adventure, to find the bottomless pit right where you left it. You plunge back into it, feeling yourself slowly begin to decelerate, and before you know it you find yourself bursting right back out the top again, with your light powers gone.
“Well, that was fun!” you exclaim as you take off your backpack, now empty due to all your trail mix being devoured, “It’s a good thing I traveled light!”
-Samuel Radermacher
Q & A
Which is better- strings or brass?
Clarinets will always be the best instrument if you ask me. Otherwise, the clarinet of the brass world is the euphonium and the clarinet of the strings is the cello, so clearly these are the king instruments in each of the three big musical categories. As for percussion, an underrated number of instruments, my favorite is the timpani. That makes it the best.
Who first lived in Prof. Sullivan’s house?
To be answered next month . . .
Why do people dye their hair?
I happen to have a close friend that gave me a simple answer that I think could sum up what a lot of people would give as a reason. She said, “I think it’s a fun and different way to express yourself,” which is something I don’t think anyone can argue with.
Why can’t I find the bottom of my belly button? (a worried friend)
Have you tried looking a little more closely? Sometimes, it’s just a little scared-- maybe
you’re being too loud. Also, a flashlight might be helpful, as it just wants to see what is trying to find it. All you have to do is treat the bottom of your belly button as you would want to be treated, and I think you will have better luck in finding it.
How can I tell someone something without sounding rude or judgmental?
The key is to be honest. Talking to people can be difficult or even scary, but you really just need to be honest. Tell the person that you don’t mean to be rude or judgmental, that you are trying to be helpful. Depending on what it is you want to tell this person, it might even be important for their own safety or the safety of others. If this person feels that you’re being rude or judgemental anyway, then that is their own fragility and possibly fear coming through. If this thing is important enough, they will listen. And even if they don’t, remember that God works all things for good.
Are the Woodbeasts of Ingram Wood real?
I wasn’t (and still am not) quite sure what woodbeasts are exactly, but I decided to go and ask a few of the people that seem to always have the answers- our wise professors. Two out of four profs that were interviewed said that they were not real, while one claimed they were, supplying us with a lot of knowledge about them (something along the lines of students being taken and they are forever forgotten, all after being marked by one Prof. Reim’s piercing glares… he, ironically, was one of the Profs that claimed the woodbeasts were non-existent), and the other said that while he doesn’t know what they are, they probably do.
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What if he changes his mind?
What if he changes his mind? Your worth is not defined by his acceptance or approval or view of you. You are not dependant on his opinions. The writer of this particular article is not a feminist by any sense of the word (and she’s female, thanks), but I’m willing to say this to put your mind at ease. You are an independent woman who doesn’t need a boy to determine how you feel. Your worth is in God, my friend. And He has already determined that you are worth the death of His only Son! Take heart in the fact that even if he changes his mind, that doesn’t mean that you are any less beautiful, or any less intelligent, or any less wonderfully made.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move one. What if he changes his mind? Then count this as an opportunity to thank God. Thank God? For him going back on his word? For him leaving me even though I really like him and what we have is great?
Yes. We’re getting Christian about this, ladies. God has a plan for you and that includes every little twist and term you face! Sometimes these twists hurt. Sometimes the turns make us sad. But they also make us stronger. They prepare us for the one God has in mind for our spouse. These experiences are God telling you that maybe right now isn’t the right time. Maybe this guy isn’t the right guy. But don’t lose hope. God knows what he’s doing. And we know that all things work for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)
Finally, what if he changes his mind? He won’t, my dear! Do you know why? Because you are the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. You are the smartest mind he’s ever engaged with. You are the funniest kind of humor he’s ever laughed at. The most faithful heart he’s ever had the pleasure of reaching. He would be absolutely bonkers to change his mind when he has an angel right in front of him. If he changes his mind, he’s an idiot, plain and simple.
So . . . What if she changes her mind? The same thing goes for you, my male friends. All that about worth is still true! You also are not defined by a girl’s approval. You also are not destined to be sad and alone forever. You also are the most handsome and intelligent and humorous and beautiful heart she’s ever met. If she changes her mind, she’s an idiot!
You Ask, We Answer
-Courtney Behlmer and Kitara Mielke
This is a Probllama
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-lla-maaaa! No, don’t join in, I only sing alpacapella. Yes, I went there. Seriously, though, don’t join in; we can’t be singing Christmas music yet! It isn’t after Thanksgiving. (Oh, but maybe you won’t be reading this until after Thanksgiving . . . If that’s the case, belt the carols because it’s CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!)
Oooookay, on to the real topic of this article: Alpacas and Llamas. What’s the difference? THERE ARE MANY. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING. (Yes, they are closely related and have some similarities, but THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.) (I love getting to pretend to be so passionate about things I’m not really that concerned about and don’t matter that much. What am I saying? This is so important!)
So, what makes them so different? Let me break it down for you.
Llamas, llamas, llamas… These things are sassy beasts. (That’s why Emperor Kuzco got turned into a Llama and not an alpaca. It just wouldn’t have fit his personality.) They are crazy prone to spitting and are very independent. As opposed to the gentle and mild alpacas, llamas are very defensive and even serve as herders and guard “dogs” in certain countries for other livestock, like alpacas.
Llamas are also much larger than alpacas, and often serve as pack animals in the rockier and mountainous countries in South America, their native location. Almost everything about the llama is bigger. They are taller, their faces are much longer, and the ears of a llama, my goodness, it honestly looks like a pair of bananas are growing out of the top of their heads. The alpaca, on the other hand, is a far more petite animal and has a snubby nose and ears.
Another big difference is the quality of their coats. Llama and alpaca wool are very different. Do you see “LLAMA WOOL JACKETS” advertised at Eddie Bauer? I didn’t think so. The llama has a much coarser hair texture and thus doesn’t make for the same high quality fabric as alpaca wool. The alpaca also has a more uniform coloring to their wool (eg. all white, all cream colored), instead of the llama which has a patchier coat (eg. white with patches of brown and tan).
So, looking into getting some sheep and need something to watch them? Get a llama. Need to talk about something? Don’t come to me. Save that drama for your llama. Out looking for a new blanket or are out Christmas shopping for loved ones and see signs advertising “Llama wool”? Don’t buy it. It’s the important things like this, guys. I’m saving you here. You’re welcome.
-Grace Meyer
Modern Jousting
This past Saturday, the first ever Modern Jousting Event was held at the Empower Stadium at Mile High. Thousands gathered to stare in awe as Bro Jordan Smith of Miami, Florida faced off against Sir Redmond Folc, or The Silent Knight, as he is more commonly known.
There has never been such a tumultuous roar from the crowd as there was when Bro Jordan swaggered into the stadium. His horse stood tall beside him and responded to the adoring cries with a triumphant, mechanical whinny. Adorned in his finest Adidas shorts, Bro Jordan raised his laser beam high. Several scrunchies sat snugly on the hilt. When asked if he had any words, Bro Jordan held up a fist, extended his pinky and his thumb, and proclaimed, "It's lit."
The crowd went wild, and would have gone on cheering had it not been for the entrance of Sir Redmond Folc, who sent the crowd spiraling into a tangible quiet.
The knight's face was hidden behind a helmet of shining silver, the same metal covering his chest and his legs. He sat, stately, upon a breathing beast, which trotted a leisurely lap around the stadium. Sir Redmond held his lance to the crowd, as if waiting for something, but what he waited for they could not discern.
He had almost finished his lap when a cry cut through the stony silence. A gentle hand that held out to him an immaculate, white handkerchief. The Silent Knight accepted the favour with a bowed head, and turned his (living) horse towards the tilt barrier. An announcer, trembling in his Nikes, inquired if Sir Redmond would like to say anything. Sir Redmond, of course, did not.
Bro Jordan rolled his shoulders, as if trying to shake the menacing silence off of him. The adversaries faced each other, and at the command, their stallions reared into motion. One mechanical force and one conscious force hurtled towards each other, their riders lowering their weapons. The audience shifted in their seats as they realized the danger of their champion--with only his name brand hoodie, he would never survive the blow of the lance.
The riders were within inches of each other when, suddenly, The Silent Knight lowered his lance below the neck of Bro Jordan's robotic steed. With expert precision, Sir Remond tapped his lance on the horse's power button.
Both Bro Jordan and his vehicle crumpled into the ground, and the conquered stared up at Sir Redmond Folc, eyes brimming with fear. Scrambling to his feet, he threw his arms behind him and “Naruto ran” out through the entrance, leaving his horse a heap of crumpled metal at the tilt barrier.