Concerns on the Rise Over Texas Pig Crisis
Texas state officials convened in Houston, Texas, last Tuesday to address the calamity gripping the southernmost states of the nation that has come to be known as “The Texas Pig Crisis.”
The first indication of the coming shock of the pig crisis came to Earl and Marfa Berthings, ages 63 and 67, of Panhandle, Texas. Mr. And Mrs. Berthings were reportedly “Taking a nice… Sunday afternoon drive” when a pig wandered across their road and sat for a while. This was no problem for the Berthings who, both avid pigwatchers, were content to stop their car and wait for the pig to move. The observation period was suddenly ruined, however, when the pig exploded. Yes, exploded. Like a piñata, except a pig, and no candy.
Since this stunning encounter occurred, seven more instances of exploding pigs have been reported in Texas, and many more throughout other states of the lower Midwest. Officials advise citizens to “avoid all pigs that appear abnormally round and/or explosive.”
Now, I realize that this situation must be very alarming for you, the average American, who normally occupies himself with simple activities such as brushing your teeth, going to work, and peanut butter. Therefore, I have for your benefit created a step-by-step guide of what I would do if ever confronted by an exploding pig, for your reference.
Step 1: Make sure a pretty girl is watching.
Step 2: Make an extremely manly sound.
Step 3: Engage pig in preliminary smack talk.
Step 4: Wink at above mentioned pretty girl.
Step 5: Tell pig to leave. Intimidated by above mentioned manliness, it will no doubt do so.
Step 6: Go home and enjoy your victory with a side of bacon.*
*Disclaimer: This article was assigned at the last Flash meeting under the category “Fake News.”